Rachael, Speak

Rachael-in-a-box.

“Pop goes the weasel.”

Blaring, cranking, painted.

My face on an easel.

Strokes of 

“Nice, Mormon girl,

Docile, sheltered, naïve."

Labels well-intended

But they’re not me. 

Assumptions 

Not incorrect per say,

Yes, I am virginal

In a way

Never experienced

Sex, alcohol, coffee, or pot

But when it comes to spirit and emotion

--I’ve experienced a lot. 

But who would guess?

At some point I chose to believe

That love was conditional

So to protect myself,

I became one-dimensional

And I ask: when?

When was silence learned?

 Effetely agreeable, bovine.

This is not who I am—

A mirroring mime.

When was hiding learned?

That I can’t be fabulous ME? 

This is not who I am—

An ashamed apology. 

When was suppression learned?

That I’m “not allowed” emotional immensity?

This is not who I am—

Coy, callow coquetry

When was fear learned?

The desire to fit in?

This is not who I am—

A mimicking mannequin

And yet….

The blessed irony:

The more I fear…GOD

The more I feel free. 

Free from appetite of body

--Her selfish dominion

Free from fear of man

--Myopic opinion

Free from the demons 

Shrieking in my brain:

“You’re stupid, you’re worthless

YOU’RE COMPLETELY INSANE.”

And to those lies

I chose to listen.

So? Here’s to emancipation

By my own volition.

Emancipation? From what else? 

Okay. I’ll do my best to ascertain

My experience

With emotional pain:

Rivulets of hate 

Like poison replace

Blood in my body

Sweat on my face

Chaos clouds

Complexions etiolate

Veiled venoms 

Swirl, inspissate

And the anger and pain

Inhumed within

Rises

And excoriates my skin.

Then the noose falls.

Skeins of words I maunder

Powerless to speak my mind

Suffocating, I wander.

If someone were to ask me:

“You can have anything 

Anything of your choice.” 

Without hesitation:

“I JUST WANT MY VOICE.”

But year after year,

Safe with God

Words I find,

“Please, Lord,

Unlock my mind.” 

Do I really dare?

Ask to be free? 

What happened the last time

I felt really “me”? 

Now, I’m sharing this,

Probs to my chagrin…

I WAS CARRIED IN AN AMBULANCE 

AND LOCKED IN THE LOONY BIN

For two weeks!!

True story.

But that was like, five years ago.

Don’t worry. 

But how do I explain 

That my mind feels closed?

Slugs, webs, clouds,

In its holes. 

How do I explain 

That the body I was born into 

Came with scars?

Not a whole receptacle

But a shattered mason jar. 

How do I explain…

When I’m around a boy I like

I can’t breathe because of fear?

Seething, leeching words

Under my flesh have been seared:

“Not worth loving.”

The biggest lie of all

Cloned on every single cell 

My own cancerous wall.  

Then my world of color 

Is benighted black

Effusions of noise

Like I’m under attack

Voices so loud for so long

I thought they were true!

“NO GOOD MAN 

COULD EVER LOVE YOU.” 

Then, 

The impending doom:

My insides collapse

Into her cocoon.

For protection

Thought and emotion flee

Then all I am to offer…

Is a lifeless body.

But the Holy Ghost 

Has kept me safe

Knowing that I don’t want to sin

And stayed with me the years

I locked myself in.

From relationships of substance

All men in my midst

When I couldn’t explain

The terror that exists.

So for me

The season of love

Has been winter’s frore

Parapets of frozen pain

Crushing its allure. 

Most people who know this hell

Have experienced trauma of varying degree

But a miracle of Jesus Christ

Is He can heal our memory

And that’s why I share 

These sad, sad things

Because I want to talk 

About the HOPE Christ brings!  

When I was a young girl

Before the assiduous panic sowed

I had a dream,

Many years ago.

I’m with a boy!!!

And there is so much light

We walk and talk

And it feels so…right.

We’re not holding hands

We don’t even kiss.

But my heart is full of 

SOOO MUCH HAPPINESS.

For ten years

I have envisioned that scene

And recalled the joy I feel

When pleasures promised passion

“More real.”

It is my faith that through Jesus Christ

My dreams can come true! 

By obeying His laws

And cherishing virtue. 

I can become the breathtaking woman

That has been trapped inside

Fearless, powerful, EXPRESSIVE

With kindness in her stride.

 Courage 

Like Queen Esther!

In her husband’s den

“Kill the Jews!”

--“I’m one of them.” 

Like Joseph of Egypt!

Against a rapacious wife’s prod

“Our secret…”

--“And sin against God??”

Like the meek Moses!

Against the great Pharaoh

One voice:

“Let my people go.”

Like the young Joseph Smith

A boy of fourteen.

Against scholar, theologian

“Deny what you’ve seen!”

--“I can’t. I won’t

I have seen God the Father and Christ the Lord.

A marvelous work is to come to pass

The fullness restored.” 

That kind of courage 

Even if I stand alone.

To bear my testimony of Jesus Christ

And the truths that are now known.

Families can be together forever!

God has called prophets again!

Our birth was not our beginning

And our death will not be our end.

Tools of knowledge 

That we are all offspring of God 

Frees, guides

Through the world’s ubiquitous fog.

And to share my witness

That the years in my mind’s catacombs

Loving Father in Heaven 

Never left me alone.

“I want to show you,”

My thoughts, His voice would rent,

“The power 

Of my Son’s Atonement.”

There’s a cure for all the world’s ills.

Many: “I’ll find it I can!”

But it’s already found!

…In the blood of the Lamb.

I’m still learning.

And even though I’m weak. 

It’s time. I’m ready.

Speak, Rachael. Speak.