A theme of my life
It’s dark motif—
I’ll unravel, step in
My mind’s Chateau d’If
Maybe you’ll see
As I tear off my skin,
The burned, masticated
Flesh I’ve lived in
Don’t be alarmed
As I unveil what’s inside
My cloak was thick
--My pain somaticized:
Panic, hysteria
Drowning depression
Deluged in a famine
From non-expression
Suffocating, sweltering
Enveloping humidity
Bloated, choking
Tumid in timidity
I’ll slice off a callus
My soul’s pussing sores
It’s like Pandora’s box
--There are ten other doors
Issue after issue
The years I was dead
Is this progress?
Or hacking Hydra’s Head?
Congesting, curdling
By foiled felicity
Latent lucence--
Suppressed eccentricity
A monstrous muzzle
On every filtered facet
A paralyzed puppet
In terrible tacit
As a child I learned
To protect myself
I find, 20 years later,
My voice still on the shelf
Because, heaven for bid
My opinion intercedes
So I bite my tongue
Until it bleeds
Fetid, foul feeding
Now blood-words as clots
Gagging glass shards
As my esophagus rots
Mutilated MUTE-ation
Every second. Minute. Day.
I came to believe
I have to nothing to say.
Percolating poison:
My mind, insipid, inane.
Void of thought, emotion
A fear-dumbed brain
Trepid to speak
An idea that is mine
My goblet of
goblins,
Gargling gall-wine
This unwanted wonted,
Taught, taut tension
Bereaving, non-conceiving
Oh--Did I mention?
BOYS. Romance,
Oh my heart!
My walls are so thick
I don’t know where to start
“Just be
yourself”
But I never have been!
--Shawled in shame
In a desolate den
That explains
Though I don’t understand
The narcotic nervousness
Alone with a man
I don’t need to expound
Those demons I won’t exhume:
The sadness of remote loving
From my chamber of gassed doom…
Unspoken, unexpressed
Self-manipulated, surviving
In a craven-cradled corner
Shadows thrilling, thriving
My broken life. My broken heart.
Torrid tears I weep alone
Accepting the possibility
That I may never be known
Crying ,acrid acid
Seep steep, calcify, FREEZE.
Rachael..
YOU CAN LEARN WORDS
To combat this
disease.
The lie
That I must remain
Harrowed, hagged
Warped, One-dimentional
Hiding, fear-gagged
A silent serf to a
Metastasizing malady
Stripped of my voice,
Worth, individuality
That the hauntings of my youth
In my innocent, child-perception
Immured in a realm of
Destructive, self-deception
Don’t have to dictate
Who and all I can be
I am a Daughter of God
THAT IS MY IDENTITY
And the screams that my
Personality like a scab’s congealed
Must be hidden, hampered
Conformed, concealed
Those shilling shrieks:
That I’m not allowed
Depth, feeling
My true self avowed
Are dunked in
the ocean
As my reflection I stare
Inhaling salt, sunshine
And suddenly I’m aware
Of
Fishies in the sea
Darting all abubble
Sugared, brumal flakes—
Never a double
The lemon sun
In dancing diesel
The burrowing, spastic
Bloodthirsty weasel
Dazzling guts
Of a crystal geode
A frigid, forbidding
Arctic abode
Stout, jade cacti
In prickly annoyance
Giddy, swimming dolphins
In silver chatoyance
The fatal-feigning faculty
Of a putrid possum
The sunrise blush
Of each cherry blossom
Vital volcanoes
Blubbering lava, spitting smoke
Propitious hills sashed
In a dandelion cloak
Flocculent clouds
Their arsenals of thunder
Pondering God, His creations,
Make me wonder
That my Father
Whose power He pensions
The Designer of all—
Has bounded dimension??
From scrap to scope
Beyond grain, gorge, and galaxy
My Perennial Parent
Then of course there is more to me!
I audaciously
believed
That a child of this Genius, Glory
ME!! was inept, powerless
To write my own story
SETTING:
God’s spiritual offspring
Caged in a world
Offering counterfeit wings—
That I’m not divine
Give in to the animal in me
That power comes from
Money, appearance, sexuality
Bow to my appetites
Bid my conscience adieu
…And be a slave to my body?
--No thank you.
That this corruptible receptacle
Elements from the dust
With capped capability
Selfish, proud, yawed to lust
Has more potential, power
Than who dwells within??
My Spirit—sacred, divine
The Infinite Creator’s kin.
And these lurid lies
From a skulking fraud
That this brazen race offers more
Than the Almighty God
Who I choose as my Master
And trust His love heals
As I give Him my heart
To me, His He reveals
It’s broken.
Each person—the world’s
Past, present, aching tomorrows
--He holds it. Jesus:
Our Man of Sorrows
We are carved on His hands
Though hand Him null, unpermitted
He is neglected,
abused
--Love unrequited
He is rarely obeyed
Rather intellectualized, confined
When He is more intelligent
Than all God’s children combined
The earth—
Her beauty and breadth
Can be a primary index
To His nature and depth
Generous, gentle, fierce,
Deeper than ocean’s plot
A man with such character
Would occupy my every thought
So why not Him?
When others cards,
Bouquets, chocolates tower
I think of my Special Someone
Who created the flower
When I am tempted or pulled
I think of my Valentine
Scars in His palm, pleading,
“Rachael, be mine.”
When feeling numb, worthless
To my King I confess
He wore a crown of thorns
Yet inspirits, “Princess”
His mercy so personal
On my path of healing, hurting
My favorite smells--spring lilac
He sends, like He’s flirting.
Or when I catch cold raindrops
Liquid pearls adorn my wrist
I’m smothered from kisses
Of dawn’s first dewy mist
Roving through forest thicket
Tickled by aspens and pine
My own hand-made truffles:
Fresh berries from the vine
When the nightingale and sparrows
Sonorously sing
It’s not on my finger—
But I know that ring
When joyful sunbeams
Tango through the leaves
And warmly hug my heart
“Never let go, please.”
So holy, these impressions,
And places I roam
And the clarity: He who created
Would be He who atoned
That eve—His friends deny,
Run, sleep, loyalty closes
Blue twilight, an olive tree,
A bed of white roses
In the Sacred Garden, Gethsemane
Terror, darkness imbues.
Carrying my burdens, sadness
So I don’t have to.
The Heavens mourn:
Tarring earth’s vaulted vase.
For the Creator, Jesus Christ,
Is redeeming the human race.
The roses are now stained red
The sky is no longer blue.
His blood-words drip:
“Rachael, I love you”
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