How I Was Introduced to the Barbell

My Own World

Inhale. Exhale. I gripped the desk and stared blankly in the distance.

Stay in your seat, Rachael. It’s just an anxiety attack. Food isn’t going to help. You don’t need to escape. C’mon Rach. You got this. You’re safe here. Distract your mind.

Word by word I went over in my head the quote that hung in a brown frame in my little brother’s room.

“The greatest battle of life is fought out within the silent chambers of the soul. A victory on the inside of a man's heart is worth a hundred conquests on the battlefields of life….”

And again,

“The greatest battle of life…”

Breath.

Stay present Rach. It’s okay. You’re okay. Wait it out. Don’t turn off your conscience.  Just…Wait. These feelings will pass.

Breath

Maybe a hymn will help.

I silently sang to myself the first lyric that popped into my head.

“I need Thee every hour, stay Thou near by. Temptations lose their power when Thou art nigh. I need Thee. Oh, I need Thee. Every hour I need Thee…”

I kept breathing. In and out. I realized my fingers were white from grasping the desk. I was glad I was sitting in the back row of my class so no one could tell I was in my own world, fighting.

My thoughts became less focused and began to wander to darker places.

What’s wrong with me?…Will I be like this forever?...Heavenly Father…help me.

That was a common phrase I petitioned to heaven. Sometimes I was specific in my requests and sometimes I wasn’t. And sometimes I didn’t even know what to ask for, other than help. I thought about the last real sincere prayer I said, a couple weeks before. It had been a really bad day. I was walking out of Gold’s Gym on 9^th East. To my left were the treadmills and ellipticals, to my right the front desk full of workers wearing black t-shirts with garish yellow words “Change your body, Change your life!” I looked behind me at the crowded gym full of kids in high school, like me. I felt alone, trapped, and powerless over my life. That was when I uttered my plea.   

Please…Bless me with someone to workout with. I am struggling, Father. Bless me with people to be accountable to. I can’t do this by myself.

My thoughts calmed down a bit as I thought about that incident weeks before, hoping that God had heard me. I was brought back to reality with the shrieking of the hallway bell. Class was over. I made it through—that hour anyway.

A Fateful Encounter

That afternoon I skipped down the aisle off the school bus. School was over, and there was literally sunshine in my soul. That happened on the rare occasions I chose to battle my demons instead of giving in. My heart would swell up really big (like some kind of hug from heaven) after getting through rough moments. (Or rough minutes. Or rough hours.) This time it was especially sweet. That day, like every day, I attended a scripture study seminary class during my free period. I didn’t remember the lesson or the words—something about The Savior, Jesus. But I did remember how I felt. And it was hope. A beautiful, inordinate amount; it burned in my heart. The peace, confidence, and…hope. Thus the reason for my skipping.

I jumped off the school bus four stops before my house—a block away from Gold’s Gym. I KNEW I was going to have an awesome workout. I schemed about how many miles I would run on the treadmill (9? 10?!) as I frolicked down the sidewalk, forgetting that not too many hours before I cowered in the shackles of my mind.

“Wow. You are really happy.” The man at the front desk commented as he scanned my gym membership.  

Wow. YOU ARE REALLY GORGEOUS.

“Well,” I replied, “It’s been a good day!”

“Anything particular?”

I hesitated. My thoughts raced.

Do I tell him I feel God’s love for me and that everything is going to be okay? Is that stupid? But it’s true. That’s why I’m happy. But I can’t tell him that. That’s uncool. I want to be cool. How do I be cool??

“Juusst…I feel…good. It was one of those days where I felt like there was someone watching over me. And I just feel…happy. Like how true happy feels.”

Was that okay? PC? Probably not. I don’t care.

“Huh.” He grunted. He looked at me.

Gosh, he was beautiful.

He just kind of looked at me. Trying to figure me out. I could tell he was surprised at my response. (I guess randomly mentioning deity is not something most people do or should do. I don’t know these things...But I couldn’t lie!)

He clicked his pen, looked down at the countertop, looked back up at me. He finally spoke: “Tell ya what. My client that was scheduled for personal training right now didn’t show. I have a free slot. It’s all yours if you want it. Call it good karma.”

“Um, okay!”

I quickly ran to the locker room, changed, and met him minutes later by the free weights.

Commitment

WAIT, WHAT?????

I had just returned to the gym after my jog. It was a lovely run. It was dusk outside. The sky was clear but the autumn air was chilly. Provo was especially beautiful that night. I told Bryan, the man at the desk, I would think about his offer and return within the hour to give him an answer. After our free half-hour training session he gave me the once-in-a-lifetime-Gold’s-Gym-Personal-Training-Package-change-your-body-change-your-life schpeal. And surprisingly, it felt right. But I needed to think first. Running always helped me think.

Personal training? A year commitment? All my savings from working at the bagel shop? Oi. Vey. But…what if…it worked. What if this helped me? The kind of help I’ve been praying for? Heavenly Father, I’m going to do this. I want to do this. I hope that’s okay. I promise, I won’t forget Thee. Even when I become thin and beautiful, I won’t forget Thee…

Now my run was over. Reflection time had past. And I was sitting at Bryan’s corporate office signing my life away. 

“Could you repeat that, please?” I swallowed.

I hope I misheard him. 

“Kaleb Whitby will be your trainer.”

He motioned to the solemn, stalky blond man a few feet away standing near the lat machine.

Kaleb WHO???

My heart sank. I guess I just thought this Persian-looking prince would train me forever.

I looked over again at the blond man.

Suck. He isn’t even cute.*

“Okay,” I submitted. “Sounds good.”

Kaleb and I met and immediately I trusted him. We talked for a little bit. About fitness goals. Body composition. Habits. When our next appointment would be. Then we shook hands. And that was that. I had no idea that handshake was the advent of my most soul-wrenching crusade yet.

The Real Journey Begins

Before then, I really didn’t understand my struggles. I had always experienced anxiety at different times in my life varying from mild to severe. In addition to that, I always felt complex feelings of emptiness and fear, just from existing. Some days I hurt. And I didn’t understand why. Like this life felt heavy and unfamiliar. I also never understood some of my habits. Very personal behaviors that had always been a part of me. Since I was a kid there were times—randomly, no triggers at all—where I would eat. And eat. And I couldn’t stop. Completely helpless. And it scared me. It didn’t stem from poor body image or deep feelings of inadequacy or perfectionism. It just was there. This sudden, shaking inability to stop until I physically could not move, for hours sometimes. It was odd. I hated it. But I didn’t know how to change. Or even what the source was. But I knew God knew and I trusted that He would place people in my life that had the tools to help me.

Kaleb and I began working together. My goal weight was 140lbs. (After all, Tom Cruise’s wife, Katie Holmes, was my height and 130lbs; it only made sense in my 18 year old mind that I should be near that).

“We’ll get you there,” Kaleb reassured me.

We scheduled in cardio sessions and a variety of resistance training exercises that consisted of leg presses, lunges, and light free weights. Once I was in the gym, training, I loved it! It was so enjoyable. My mind felt clear. I felt calm and in control.

But getting there proved to be a bigger challenge than I anticipated. Each day I felt opposition like I had never experienced. It was like invisible tsunami waves ferociously pushing against me trying to keep me from the gym and forming healthy habits. The infrequent, but still present, unrestrained food episodes of my past, surfaced again with more force—submerging me in depths of discouragement, confusion, and isolation. My unreached, and in my mind unreachable, fitness goal of “thinness” proved to be a brutal, unforgiving source of self-contempt. I resented my life, my accountability to Kaleb, and the fact I had to battle every second of every day simply to function like a normal person. I thought this personal training commitment would make my life better, but really, it had turned everything into a terrible mess. I decided it was time to reach out to those around me.

Confession and (Iron) Conversion

Kaleb and I sat down at his desk located at the front end of the gym, right by the windows. Light streamed in from the late afternoon sun making the spotted black floor dance with sunbeams. It was springtime.

I took a few big breaths of courage. I had never told anyone what I was going to tell him. I didn’t even know how. What to say, how much to say or how to say it. I felt like a child—small, insecure, and painfully vulnerable.

I looked directly at Kaleb and opened my mouth. I spoke slowly, deliberately, and from the deepest most secret sincere part of my heart. “I am struggling with some compulsive behaviors, but I believe through the Atonement of Jesus Christ, I can be freed.”

And that’s all I said. That’s all I knew how to say.

He looked at me. And nodded. He didn’t ask any questions. He didn’t try to understand. He just nodded. We stood up. The sunbeams continued to dance behind him.

He looked across at the gym. Took a breath and spoke, “Okay…Let’s get strong.”

We began lifting. Actually lifting. Bench pressing. Squatting. Rowing. Pressing and pulling. Heavily with low volume and high intensity. We threw away the scale and with it false expectations and unhealthy pressures. I worked. I prayed. I fought…I showed up. No matter how empty or compulsive I felt, I was there. And slowly, as I transcended circumstance, animosity, and cruel persuasions of a so-called destiny, I proved to myself, my God, and the adversary that who I am and what I can do cannot and will not be confined.

And that, that is how I was introduced to the barbell.

*Kaleb if you’re reading this, I mean no offense!